Faramir Farhaad Laja and Donna

It’s technically 4.34am. On Dec 30th. 2009. I shall return to INTI on the 2nd Jan. Which is coming soon and I can’t wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So far, I have only the beginning of the semester planned out, sketchily, I say. 2nd week going genting, with Lynn, Fatin, and Emily. XDDDDDDDDDD Squealllllllllllll.

ohoh. 1st week I’m back, Kelvian(monkeyh from now on. will explain the h) and I will be screaming our lungs out and stuffing our faces. Catching up on horror movies. Awesome neh? We’re also gonna be going to McD around 4-5am in the morning for some hash browns………………………….AWWWWWWWWWWW.monkeyh is awesome. See? Planned out dy. And! He will be chia-ing me 3 hash browns. awwwww. MWHAHAHA. there’s a backstory to that. Anyway, I shall thoroughly enjoy myself when I get back. Oh. Lovely.

I’ve enrolled for ENL102, which is under Prof. Lim Ho Peng. Oh. I hear he’s a terror with homework, though a kind soul. I hope I get it right man. English is like, the only subject I can score. =[

I can hear my cousin’s snoring from my room, and my mother’s Indian Twinkle Twinkle Little Star alarm. ==” so early meh wake up? She keeps snoozing it.

Anyway, so many things I planned to do to savor my last few days in Miri, and I’m going to go back Nilai, with freedommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Oh yes yes yes.

I’m looking forward to Ps. Vic’s Annointing Sunday, though I haven’t been exemplary for the past few months. =[ Epic fail huh?

Ai. Anyway. Believe it or not, watching Supernatural Season 5 kinda rekindled my thirst for God. I just hate it the way they treat Christianity and its counterparts so freely and loosely, and I cringe when I watch my favorite show, but ah. Take it with a grain of salt.

I’ve been surfing flickr and blogspots looking at pictures of food. Oh. Haha. Another weird hobby of mine. I love food. Yum. So hungry la. I think I’ll stay up and eat something instead of going to sleep. It’s 4.44am now. Oh. Exactly 10 minutes.

Anyway, we had a great conversation today, although it was interrupted intermittently by various things. But ah. it’s getting stronger, and… well, I haven’t shared so much about myself and my dreams and aspirations and inspirations and imagination to anyone before. It is indeed liberating, although I’m scared… that it’ll all go down the drain.

AH. Well Phase 3 of PMS is here. Food craving. XD ciao!

- less emo? more happy-go-lucky?
- less rushing into things, more laid-back?
- less crying, more laughing?
- less innocent, more evil?
- less procrastination, more action?
- less talk, more action?
- less 18SX thoughts, more Hallelujah thoughts?
- less rebellion, more obedience?
- less … ah. i think it sums up everything.

oh well.

i just want the old Madonna back.

the one that didn’t conform.
the one that didn’t fit in.
the one that didn’t bother.
the one that didn’t cry.
the one that wouldn’t bend.
the one that wouldn’t get hurt.
the one that wouldn’t bother.
the one that wouldn’t conform.
the one that shouldn’t have been replaced by this shadow.

i wish.

i wish for better judgment of how i portray myself. i wish for more masks to wear, and the ability to wear them so convincingly that no one would know who i am.

i wish for this heart, never to be broken. ever again.

christmas time sucks real bad these few years.

do you have a hard heart? or does it harden each time i talk to you? is it my fault, to begin with? because you’re my friend, and you’ve told me everything, and i listen.

i think that i am the rubbish. or a ragdoll you like to play with. i don’t know. when you’re mad, you would just throw me against the wall, and leave me there as you storm out and don’t come back until your anger has subsided.

is that what a friend should do?

i don’t know. you’re just one of the few i have, and i don’t know what else to do.

whoever you are…

where you may be…

can i be there? can i hug u?

i need you.

i can’t take it anymore…

hey…

i need you.

where are you?

where did you go?

don’t leave me.

i can’t…

can’t handle this on my own…

don’t leave me.

monkeyh. i wish ur here.

broken, shattered, smashed… all those pieces were never meant to be together anymore. scattered in the winds of animosity, distrust, and a convoluted web of lies. it took about a few months.. perhaps four months for me to gather those pieces… and glue them back together. acidic words and harsh experiences seep through the cracks… enmeshed in the the glue… forever part of me.

trying to pry those words and experiences meant unhinging every fiber of my sanity, or what was left of it. i think i’m losing it. hanging on to a single thread… fragile, and almost wearing out. i don’t know. still remembered those never ending tears pouring down my cheeks… the pain that gripped my heart so painfully that i thought i would die. die of broken heart. the irony.

coming from someone who’s built stone walls around her. she broke it down just to let someone in. someone who wasn’t worth letting in.

it’s been a year.

a year of heartache. a year of… pain. pain that i have brought onto myself. pain i invited to live with me. and pain that will never leave.

will i still be myself i drove this pain away?

i’m like a moth, attracted to the pain. always in search of it. never ending. never stopping. protecting the pain from outsiders. protecting it from ever being taken out.

i don’t know who i am anymore.

i confuse myself.

a friend once described me as a walking contradiction. i am Christian, and also amoral. i don’t know. how far have i fallen from the grace that sustained me? how far must i go, to run away? when will i return? just like the prodigal son?

dear God.

i don’t know.

it’s so tempting to cut myself, but… ah. i’d just have to fantasize that too. i can’t find a penknife anywhere.

i don’t know. it’s wrong, i know. but. ah. i just wanna feel the pain and know that it’s there, instead of knowing that it’s there, and i have to cry it out. i hate crying. but i always end up doing so.

i have no one to turn to, because it’s just… oh. it’s just me. i’m all alone again. in the dark this time, and i don’t know where to go.

nevertheless.

i’ll be fine.

eventually.

i just. oh well. why do i have to be the one with so much emotional instability?

i don’t have anyone. my best guy friend is out on a holiday.

i think i’ve harrassed him way too much. haha. got the message in a neat sms.

anyway.

so. i’m all alone. nobody cares.

so madonna, don’t you think it’s hurtful enough to stay out in this biting cold alone again? shouldn’t you go inside, and just lock the doors and shut the windows and build more fences to keep the neighbors out? we never really needed them anyway.

they’re always around when you don’t need them, and they go out for vacation when you do. kinda sucks, doesn’t it? haven’t you learn your lesson yet? why do you even care about these people? just leave them and suck it up on your own.

don’t start chiding me. you know it’s the best thing for you. nobody cares, about your fucking problems. nobody gives a damn. and those that do, they’re too far away and well, they’re basically in the dark about MOST of the problems you leave them out of. you have such a fucked life. you know that?

besides, locking yourself up and giving people a whole “NEW” you is much better than to transform you into a psychopath right?

i’m so pissed off at you.

naive. stupid. stubborn bitch. you never really learned. all you do is just fuck things up for yourself. all you do is just call the wrong people. and you gave to suffer for it, you bitch.

get a grip.

nobody wants you.

nobody.

here i am, thinking of how can i better organize my posts in blog and my files and folders in my notebook rather than get up and clean up my room!

argh.

anyway, i will post this in under 3 minutes because it’s going to be 5a.m as of now, which is 4.32a.m. Ah. Mum’s going to call me up and kill me for sleeping late. haha. anyway, i hate it. i wish i can clean up my room so easily.

you know something? i think i’ve come up with a practical and functional organizational system for myself. let’s see if i can work it out tomorrow. there’s bound to be some kinks in the system and some things might fall through the cracks, but i have to know. i can’t go on being disorganized and messy!

plus, i have an exam this wednesday and a quiz on tuesday. how screwed can i get? oh. i wish things were different, but you know what, i’m so glad that i refreshed my liking and aptitude for chemistry. i really do enjoy learning, and it’s interesting to mess with different chemicals. i just might put more effort into my laboratory reports if i weren’t so busy trying to copy them.

haha.

and i’ve been busy pranking people lately. it’s just so awesome to do so many in such short time. not that i’m in any rush to establish a reputation for myself, but it keeps me occupied and distracted enough. not too much, but not too shabby either. oh well. time’s up. and i wanna sleep.

hopefully i can get up for morning prayer later. haha. 6.a.m. die.

This time around, I’ve been missing because of the Raya break. My father insisted that I returned back to Miri, to coach my brother for his finals. I went back on Monday, but most of my friends went back on Friday itself. Oh, well.

The only one left behind with me was Jia Lerd. Heh. We were just bored out of our minds, despite having our assignments and lab reports to keep our minds and hands occupied. Until one day we walked past Stanley’s car outside block H. Oh. That was the highlight of our holidays. Nothing like a good, loving prank to kickstart a relaxing break. Awesome, no?

We got busy on Saturday and Sunday, and asked a lot of people to write stuff for Stanley. Some of them are sweet. Some disgusting. Some are just plain funny. And some were reminders for him to stay faithful in his walk. Overall, we did a good job of redecorating his car. We even had the entire process well documented in pictures and videos. This will be my prank for the semester.

I got back on Monday, and it was okay. Nothing to rah about. Spent my week lazing around in the daytime, went to Audrey’s house to pass her the gifts we bought for her, went to steam my hair, went out with Rachel, Kim Teck, Muammar and Basil and finally I’m back home. Haha. Well. All crammed into one tight week.

Anyway, God really helped me a lot throughout the week, and I want to thank Him for that. Woo. Had great food (chicken for dinner, almost every nite XD ) and great company. Was a little lazy, and told my mother that I’m only back for long holidays, instead of short. Especially Chinese New Year. I don’t feel like going back.

Oh. Had nightmares about my quiz. Haha. I dreamt that I was on a roadtrip, and my bladder was full at the time, but that didn’t matter much. As we approached INTI, back from our road trip, I realized that I had class. As I fumbled through my cluttered folder to find my schedule, I kept pulling out other people’s schedule, and wondering how on earth did they get in there. Anyway, by the time we reached INTI, I figured my schedule would probably be in the room. So I raced up the stairs of what looked suspiciously like my secondary school staircase, only to be blocked by stupid stuffed animals. Oh. Hate them. But I found my schedule among them, and realized that it was a Saturday.

=.=

I woke up and went to pee. No point holding back my full bladder much longer. Especially not for a stupid dream like that.

Ah. Ok. I’m going to stop here, and just get on with my chores. I have a lot of things to accomplish by tonight, before Jia Lerd gets back. Heh.